Sexy Woody

Revision as of 13:49, 20 July 2011

It has long been debated whether Jesus Christ had a traditional family, but he did have a cocktail. And that cocktail was the Sexy Woody. And there was much rejoicing throughout the land. Said to be named after world famous adult entertainer and playboy Sexy Woody

Sexy Woody on the Sexy Woody

"I don't know what to say really. Three minutes to the biggest party of our professional lives all comes down to today. Either we get really fucked up as a team or we are going to crumble. Inch by inch drink by drink till we're finished. We are in hell right now, gentlemen believe me and we can stay here and get the shit kicked out of us, end up taking home some cheap, ugly women and having a cheap, ugly time... or we can fight our way back into the light. We can climb out of hell. One inch, at a time. Now I can't do it for you. I'm too drunk. I look around and I see these young faces and I think I mean I made every wrong choice the world's most erotic man could make. I uh.... I pissed away all my money believe it or not... fucking Beanie Babies. I chased off anyone who has ever loved me. I once donkey punched a state senator at a birthday party. And lately, I can't even stand the face I see in the mirror. I'm just kidding about that last part, fellas. I literally get hard when I brush my teeth in the morning. That's why I'm SEXY FUCKING WOODY. You know when you get old in life things get taken from you. Like that time Max got fingerblasted at that Chinese place? But that's, that's part of life. But, you only learn that when you start losing stuff. You find out that life is just a game of inches. So is drinking. Because in either game life or drinking, the margin for error is so small. I mean one half step too late or to early you end up shitting your pants. One half second too slow or too fast and you end up shitting your pants. The inches we need are everywhere around us. They are in ever shot of vodka and dubstep song that we play to impress the kind of hot chick in the corner, every minute, every second. At this party, we fight for that inch At this party, we tear ourselves, and everyone around us to pieces for that inch. At this party, we are fully prepared to slap someone's Godmother in the face, in front of fucking everyone, for that inch. We CLAW with our finger nails for that inch. Cause we know when we add up all those inches that's going to make the fucking difference between WINNING and LOSING between LIVING and DYING. I'll tell you this at any party it is the guy who is willing to die who is going to win that inch. And I know if I am going to have any life anymore it is because, I am still willing to fight, and die for that inch because that is what LIVING is. The six inches in front of your face. And no, that was not a penis joke. Okay maybe just for Max. Fucking Max. Now I can't make you do it. You gotta look at the guy next to you. Look into his eyes. Now I think you are going to see a guy who will go that inch with you. You are going to see a guy who will sacrifice himself for this party because he knows when it comes down to it, you are gonna do the same thing for him. That's a party, gentlemen and either we heal now, as a team, or we will die as individuals. That's drinking guys. That's all it is. Now, whattaya gonna do? (Everyone gets erections)THAT'S GREAT FUCKING HUSTLE! -Sexy Woody, Thanksgiving 2008

INGREDIENTS

6 oz. Captain Morgan^tm spiced rum

4 oz. Dr. Pepper^tm

4 oz. Sunny Delight^tm (original flavor, not that awful strawberry shit)

1 oz. Coca-Cola^tm

Toss together in red party cup while making an off-color joke about a minority of your choosing and serve cold. Prepare to cum loudly upon consumption.

[This will be playing on loop in your head. Deal with it.]

DOING IT WRONG

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