Gin-Twist Poem

William Maginn 1793–1842 Maginn, W.

A Twist-imony in favour of Gin-twist. 1 At one in the morn, as I went staggering home, 2 With nothing at all in my hand but my fist, 3 At the end of the street a good youth I did meet, 4 Who asked me to join in a jug of gin-twist. 5 “Though 'tis late,” I replied, “and I'm muggy beside, 6 Yet an offer like this I could never resist; 7 So let's waddle away, sans a moment's delay, 8 And in style we'll demolish your jug of gin-twist.” 9 The friends of the grape may boast of rich Cape, 10 Hock, Claret, Madeira, or Lachryma Christ, 11 But this muzzle of mine was never so fine 12 As to value them more than a jug of gin-twist. 13 The people of Nantz, in the kingdom of France, 14 Bright brandy they brew, liquor not to be hissed; 15 It may do as a dram, but 'tis not worth a damn, 16 When watered, compared with a jug of gin-twist. 17 Antigua, Jamaica, they certainly make a 18 Grand species of rum, which should ne'er be dismissed; 19 It is splendid as grog, but never, you dog, 20 Esteem it as punch, like a jug of gin-twist. 21 Ye bailies of Glasgow! Wise men of the West! 22 Without your rum bowls you'd look certainly tristes; 23 Yet I laugh when I'm told that liquor so cold 24 Is as good as a foaming hot jug of gin-twist. 25 The bog-trotting Teagues in clear whisky delight, 26 Preferring potsheen to all drinks that exist; 27 I grieve, ne'ertheless, that it does not possess 28 The juniper smack of a jug of gin-twist. 29 Farintosh and Glenlivet, I hear, are the boast 30 Of those breechesless heroes, the Sons of the Mist; 31 But may I go choke if that villainous smoke 32 I'd name in a day with a jug of gin-twist. 33 Yet the Celtic I love, and should join them, by Jove! 34 Though Glengarry should vow I'd no right to enlist; 35 For that chief, do you see, I'd not care a bawbee, 36 If strongly entrenched o'er a jug of gin-twist. 37 One rule they lay down is the reason, I own, 38 Why from joining their plaided array I desist; 39 Because they declare that no one shall wear 40 Of breeches a pair, o'er their jugs of gin-twist. 41 This is plainly absurd, I give you my word, 42 Of this bare-rumped reg'lation I ne'er saw the gist; 43 In my gay corduroys, can't these philabeg boys 44 Suffer me to get drunk o'er my jug of gin-twist? 45 In India they smack a liquor called rack, 46 Which I never quaffed (at least that I wist); 47 I'm told 'tis like tow in its taste, and, if so, 48 Very different stuff from a jug of gin-twist. 49 As for porter and ale—'fore Gad, I turn pale, 50 When people on such things as these can insist; 51 They may do for dull clods, but, by all of the gods! 52 They are hog-wash when matched with a jug of gin-twist. 53 Why tea we import I could never conceive; 54 To the Mandarin folk, to be sure, it brings grist; 55 But in our western soils the spirits it spoils, 56 While to heaven they are raised by a jug of gin-twist. 57 Look at Hazlitt and Hunt, most unfortunate pair! 58 Black and blue from the kicks of a stern satirist; 59 But would Mynheer Izzard once trouble their gizzard, 60 If bohea they exchanged for a jug of gin-twist? 61 Leibnitz held that this earth was the first of all worlds, 62 And no wonder the buck was a firm optimist; 63 For 'twas always his use, as a proof to adduce 64 Of the truth of his doctrine, a jug of gin-twist. 65 It cures all the vapours and mulligrub capers; 66 It makes you like Howard, the philanthro-pist; 67 Woe, trouble, and pain, that bother your brain, 68 Are banished out clean by a jug of gin-twist. 69 You turn up your nose at all of your foes, 70 Abuse you, traduce you, they may if they list; 71 The lawyers, I'm sure, would look very poor, 72 If their clients would stick to their jugs of gin-twist. 73 There's Leslie, my friend, who went ramstam to law 74 Because Petre had styled him a poor Hebraist; 75 And you see how the jury, in spite of his fury, 76 Gave him comfort far less than one jug of gin-twist. 77 And therefore, I guess, sir, the celebre Professor, 78 Even though culpably quizzed as a mere sciolist, 79 Would have found it much meeter to have laughed at old Petre, 80 And got drunk with Kit North o'er a jug of gin-twist. 81 Its medical virtues a jug of gin-twist. 82 By its magical aid a toper is made, 83 Like Brockden Brown's hero, a ventriloquist; 84 For my belly cries out, with an audible shout, 85 “Fill up every chink with a jug of gin-twist.” 86 Geologers all, great, middling, and small, 87 Whether fiery Plutonian or wet Neptunist, 88 Most gladly, it seems, seek proofs for their schemes 89 In the water, or spirit, of a jug of gin-twist. 90 These grubbers of ground (whom God may confound!), 91 Forgetting transition, trap, hornblende, or schist, 92 And all other sorts, think only of quartz— 93 I mean, of the quarts in a jug of gin-twist. 94 Though two dozen of verse I've contrived to rehearse, 95 Yet still I can sing like a true melodist; 96 For they are but asses who think that Parnassus 97 In spirit surpasses a jug of gin-twist. 98 It makes you to speak Dutch, Latin, or Greek; 99 Even learning Chinese very much 'twould assist: 100 I'll discourse you in Hebrew, provided that ye brew 101 A most Massorethical jug of gin-twist. 102 When its amiable stream, all enveloped in steam, 103 Is dashed to and fro by a vigorous wrist, 104 How sweet a cascade every moment is made 105 By the artist who fashions a jug of gin-twist! 106 Sweet stream! There is none but delights in thy flow, 107 Save that vagabond villain, the Whig atheist; 108 For done was the job for his patron, Sir Bob, 109 When he dared to wage war 'gainst a jug of gin-twist. 110 Don't think by its name, from Geneva it came, 111 The sour little source of the Kirk Calvinist— 112 A fig for Jack Calvin! My processes alvine 113 Are much more rejoiced by a jug of gin-twist. 114 Let the Scotsman delight in malice and spite, 115 The black-legs at Brooks's in hazard or whist; 116 Tom Dibdin in books, Micky Taylor in cooks: 117 My pleasure is fixed in a jug of gin-twist. 118 Though the point of my nose grow as red as a rose 119 Or rival in hue a superb amethyst, 120 Yet no matter for that, I tell you 'tis flat, 121 I shall still take a pull at a jug of gin-twist. 122 There was old Cleobulus, who, meaning to fool us, 123 Gave out for his saying, 124 But he'd never keep measure, if he had but the pleasure 125 Of washing his throat with a jug of gin-twist. 126 There are dandies and blockheads, who vapour and boast 127 Of the favours of girls they never have kissed; 128 That is not the thing, and therefore, by jing! 129 I kiss while I'm praising my jug of gin-twist. [36] 130 While over the glass I should be an ass 131 To make moping love like a dull Platonist; 132 That ne'er was my fashion: I swear that my passion 133 Is as hot as itself for a jug of gin-twist. [37] 134 Although it is time to finish my rhyme, 135 Yet the subject's so sweet I can scarcely desist; 136 While its grateful perfume is delighting the room, 137 How can I be mute o'er a jug of gin-twist? [38] 138 Yet since I've made out, without any doubt, 139 Of its merits and glories a flourishing list, 140 Let us end with a toast, which we cherish the most: 141 Here's “God save the King!” in a glass of gin-twist. [39] 142 Then I bade him good-night in a most jolly plight, 143 But I'm sorry to say that my footing I missed; 144 All the stairs I fell down, so I battered my crown, 145 And got two black eyes from a jug of gin-twist.

Maginn: Miscellanies (1885) : a machine-readable transcript

City: Cambridge Date: 1992 Publisher: Chadwyck-Healey English Poetry Full-Text Database (c) 1992 Chadwyck-Healey. Do not export or print from this database without checking the Copyright Conditions to see what is permitted.

Poet: William Maginn 1793–1842

Miscellanies: Prose and Verse. By William Maginn. Edited by R. W. Montagu. Two Volumes

City: London Publisher: Sampson Low, Marston, Searle & Rivington Date: 1885 Description: 2 v. Only unique items in verse included