Gin-Twist Poem

A poem about Gin Twist.

William Maginn 1793–1842 Maginn, W.

A Twist-imony in favour of Gin-twist.

• 1 At one in the morn, as I went staggering home,
• 2 With nothing at all in my hand but my fist,
• 3 At the end of the street a good youth I did meet,
• 4 Who asked me to join in a jug of gin-twist.
• 5 “Though 'tis late,” I replied, “and I'm muggy beside,
• 6 Yet an offer like this I could never resist;
• 7 So let's waddle away, sans a moment's delay,
• 8 And in style we'll demolish your jug of gin-twist.”
• 9 The friends of the grape may boast of rich Cape,
• 10 Hock, Claret, Madeira, or Lachryma Christ,
• 11 But this muzzle of mine was never so fine
• 12 As to value them more than a jug of gin-twist.
• 13 The people of Nantz, in the kingdom of France,
• 14 Bright brandy they brew, liquor not to be hissed;
• 15 It may do as a dram, but 'tis not worth a damn,
• 16 When watered, compared with a jug of gin-twist.
• 17 Antigua, Jamaica, they certainly make a
• 18 Grand species of rum, which should ne'er be dismissed;
• 19 It is splendid as grog, but never, you dog,
• 20 Esteem it as punch, like a jug of gin-twist.
• 21 Ye bailies of Glasgow! Wise men of the West!
• 22 Without your rum bowls you'd look certainly tristes;
• 23 Yet I laugh when I'm told that liquor so cold
• 24 Is as good as a foaming hot jug of gin-twist.
• 25 The bog-trotting Teagues in clear whisky delight,
• 26 Preferring potsheen to all drinks that exist;
• 27 I grieve, ne'ertheless, that it does not possess
• 28 The juniper smack of a jug of gin-twist.
• 29 Farintosh and Glenlivet, I hear, are the boast
• 30 Of those breechesless heroes, the Sons of the Mist;
• 31 But may I go choke if that villainous smoke
• 32 I'd name in a day with a jug of gin-twist.
• 33 Yet the Celtic I love, and should join them, by Jove!
• 34 Though Glengarry should vow I'd no right to enlist;
• 35 For that chief, do you see, I'd not care a bawbee,
• 36 If strongly entrenched o'er a jug of gin-twist.
• 37 One rule they lay down is the reason, I own,
• 38 Why from joining their plaided array I desist;
• 39 Because they declare that no one shall wear
• 40 Of breeches a pair, o'er their jugs of gin-twist.
• 41 This is plainly absurd, I give you my word,
• 42 Of this bare-rumped reg'lation I ne'er saw the gist;
• 43 In my gay corduroys, can't these philabeg boys
• 44 Suffer me to get drunk o'er my jug of gin-twist?
• 45 In India they smack a liquor called rack,
• 46 Which I never quaffed (at least that I wist);
• 47 I'm told 'tis like tow in its taste, and, if so,
• 48 Very different stuff from a jug of gin-twist.
• 49 As for porter and ale—'fore Gad, I turn pale,
• 50 When people on such things as these can insist;
• 51 They may do for dull clods, but, by all of the gods!
• 52 They are hog-wash when matched with a jug of gin-twist.
• 53 Why tea we import I could never conceive;
• 54 To the Mandarin folk, to be sure, it brings grist;
• 55 But in our western soils the spirits it spoils,
• 56 While to heaven they are raised by a jug of gin-twist.
• 57 Look at Hazlitt and Hunt, most unfortunate pair!
• 58 Black and blue from the kicks of a stern satirist;
• 59 But would Mynheer Izzard once trouble their gizzard,
• 60 If bohea they exchanged for a jug of gin-twist?
• 61 Leibnitz held that this earth was the first of all worlds,
• 62 And no wonder the buck was a firm optimist;
• 63 For 'twas always his use, as a proof to adduce
• 64 Of the truth of his doctrine, a jug of gin-twist.
• 65 It cures all the vapours and mulligrub capers;
• 66 It makes you like Howard, the philanthro-pist;
• 67 Woe, trouble, and pain, that bother your brain,
• 68 Are banished out clean by a jug of gin-twist.
• 69 You turn up your nose at all of your foes,
• 70 Abuse you, traduce you, they may if they list;
• 71 The lawyers, I'm sure, would look very poor,
• 72 If their clients would stick to their jugs of gin-twist.
• 73 There's Leslie, my friend, who went ramstam to law
• 74 Because Petre had styled him a poor Hebraist;
• 75 And you see how the jury, in spite of his fury,
• 76 Gave him comfort far less than one jug of gin-twist.
• 77 And therefore, I guess, sir, the celebre Professor,
• 78 Even though culpably quizzed as a mere sciolist,
• 79 Would have found it much meeter to have laughed at old Petre,
• 80 And got drunk with Kit North o'er a jug of gin-twist.
• 81 Its medical virtues a jug of gin-twist.
• 82 By its magical aid a toper is made,
• 83 Like Brockden Brown's hero, a ventriloquist;
• 84 For my belly cries out, with an audible shout,
• 85 “Fill up every chink with a jug of gin-twist.”
• 86 Geologers all, great, middling, and small,
• 87 Whether fiery Plutonian or wet Neptunist,
• 88 Most gladly, it seems, seek proofs for their schemes
• 89 In the water, or spirit, of a jug of gin-twist.
• 90 These grubbers of ground (whom God may confound!),
• 91 Forgetting transition, trap, hornblende, or schist,
• 92 And all other sorts, think only of quartz—
• 93 I mean, of the quarts in a jug of gin-twist.
• 94 Though two dozen of verse I've contrived to rehearse,
• 95 Yet still I can sing like a true melodist;
• 96 For they are but asses who think that Parnassus
• 97 In spirit surpasses a jug of gin-twist.
• 98 It makes you to speak Dutch, Latin, or Greek;
• 99 Even learning Chinese very much 'twould assist:
• 100 I'll discourse you in Hebrew, provided that ye brew
• 101 A most Massorethical jug of gin-twist.
• 102 When its amiable stream, all enveloped in steam,
• 103 Is dashed to and fro by a vigorous wrist,
• 104 How sweet a cascade every moment is made
• 105 By the artist who fashions a jug of gin-twist!
• 106 Sweet stream! There is none but delights in thy flow,
• 107 Save that vagabond villain, the Whig atheist;
• 108 For done was the job for his patron, Sir Bob,
• 109 When he dared to wage war 'gainst a jug of gin-twist.
• 110 Don't think by its name, from Geneva it came,
• 111 The sour little source of the Kirk Calvinist—
• 112 A fig for Jack Calvin! My processes alvine
• 113 Are much more rejoiced by a jug of gin-twist.
• 114 Let the Scotsman delight in malice and spite,
• 115 The black-legs at Brooks's in hazard or whist;
• 116 Tom Dibdin in books, Micky Taylor in cooks:
• 117 My pleasure is fixed in a jug of gin-twist.
• 118 Though the point of my nose grow as red as a rose
• 119 Or rival in hue a superb amethyst,
• 120 Yet no matter for that, I tell you 'tis flat,
• 121 I shall still take a pull at a jug of gin-twist.
• 122 There was old Cleobulus, who, meaning to fool us,
• 123 Gave out for his saying,
• 124 But he'd never keep measure, if he had but the pleasure
• 125 Of washing his throat with a jug of gin-twist.
• 126 There are dandies and blockheads, who vapour and boast
• 127 Of the favours of girls they never have kissed;
• 128 That is not the thing, and therefore, by jing!
• 129 I kiss while I'm praising my jug of gin-twist.
• 130 While over the glass I should be an ass
• 131 To make moping love like a dull Platonist;
• 132 That ne'er was my fashion: I swear that my passion
• 133 Is as hot as itself for a jug of gin-twist.
• 134 Although it is time to finish my rhyme,
• 135 Yet the subject's so sweet I can scarcely desist;
• 136 While its grateful perfume is delighting the room,
• 137 How can I be mute o'er a jug of gin-twist?
• 138 Yet since I've made out, without any doubt,
• 139 Of its merits and glories a flourishing list,
• 140 Let us end with a toast, which we cherish the most:
• 141 Here's “God save the King!” in a glass of gin-twist.
• 142 Then I bade him good-night in a most jolly plight,
• 143 But I'm sorry to say that my footing I missed;
• 144 All the stairs I fell down, so I battered my crown,
• 145 And got two black eyes from a jug of gin-twist.

Miscellanies (1885): Prose and Verse. By William Maginn. Edited by R. W. Montagu. Two Volumes